Oh you wanted a plot??? You wanted some PLOT???
WE OPEN on the idyllic Greek island, an undetermined amount of years after the sequel- but the baby is old enough to be a Character. This is relevent.
Little Donnie Sheridan’s (Sky took Sophie’s name and you damn well know it don’t @ me) school is having a big heritage event. With the ever-growing success of the Hotel Bella Donna, quite a few people have gotten caught up in the beauty of the island abd decided to move there (like Donna), making the place a little more multi-cultural, and the school wants to celebrate that. It’s going to be a HUGE multi-day event, focusing first on Greek Culture and history but then shifting into the kids giving presentations of their heritage. They’re even having kids take those little ancestry tests for fun! How cute, right!
EXCEPT SOMEONE’S GOT THREE GRANDPA’S AND THUS FINDING OUT IF HE’S IRISH, BRITISH OR SWEDISH MIGHT GIVE SOME SECRETS AWAY.
Everyone is Stricken. Things are gonna get dramatic as fuck. And of course- the hotel is hosting the heritage event!
Harry and Bill (and Rosie, who is still with Bill) rush off to the island so they can figure out what to do. Tanya also jets off to the island because she refuses to miss out on any drama.
Sophie is torn- because she doesn’t want to lose any of her dads, but after so many years of feeling like she didn’t know who she is, she doesn’t want her son to go through that pain. She thinks maybe it would be good for him to take the test. Sky thinks everyone is being ridiculous because he never really understood why they didn’t want a DNA test in the first place. He and Sophie get in a fight over it.
Meanwhile, with the Granddaddy Trio™, things are hectic. Sam is trying to be the voice of reason, trying to assure the others that no matter who is biologically Sophie’s father, they’re all her Dads and that won’t change. Bill is trying to come up with a scheme to sabotage the tests so they won’t have to find out, and enlists Rosie to help him. Harry, however, is just…..heartbroken. Remember how much he wanted a family in the first movie? How thrilled he was at the idea that Sophie MIGHT be his? How at the end of the second one he was pushing, hoping that he saw some of himself in little Donnie? The thought of loosing that is tearing him apart. My poor man.
We have a scene of Tanya and Harry hanging out- Harry jutted off to Greece so fast that he didn’t have time to get a dog sitter, so Lucy and Kipper are with him this movie and he’s taking them for a walk. Tanya has tagged along because she picked up on his reaction to this DNA nonsense, but the only advice she can offer him is that he should get hammered.
Suddenly, his dogs pick up the scent of something, and tear off running, dragging Harry along behind them. They keep up until they meet another pair of dogs, also dragging their owner, and with the dogs jumping around each other, Harry and the other man get tied up together in the leashes because F I G H T M E.
Once they get sorted out, we get a proper look at the new comer- it’s Hugh Jackman. His hair’s a little on the messier side, he’s wearing stylish clothes and a winning smile. He makes some witty quip about the dogs. Tanya is Visibly Thirsting. Harry is feeling so awkward he can barely form a sentence. Hugh Jackman is seemingly endeared by that.
Various other scenes- Sophie with each of her dads and Donnie with each of his grandpa’s. Sophie, Tanya and Rosie telling Donnie all about his grandma. Sky eventually coming to his senses and making up with Sophie. Multiple scenes of Harry and Hugh Jackman having run-ins all over the island, getting to know each other a little better each time. Tanya keeps missing the signs and thinks Hugh Jackman is into her. But Hugh Jackman and Harry make plans to meet up at the event.
We reach the height of the plot- the 3 Day Heritage Fair begins. On the first day of it, the whole family attends, where Harry is met with the shocking truth- HUGH JACKMAN IS DONNIE’S TEACHER THAT PUT THE WHOLE EVENT TOGETHER. HUGH JACKMAN IS THE ONE WHO IS ABOUT TO TAKE HIS FAMILY AWAY FROM HIM.
Bill gets wind that the test results are going to be given out to the kids the next day, so they’ll be able to prepare for their presentations on the 3rd day. He puts his plan to get/sabotage the tests in motion, but of course things go awry. Tanya decides to help them pull off the plan by trying to seduce Hugh Jackman so he’ll be distracted while they’re, you know, robbing him.
Harry, not in on the plan, downs a few drinks to steel his nerves before going to meet up with Hugh Jackman, but when he gets there he sees Tanya kissing him and grows Distrught and runs off. He misses the part where Hugh Jackman was caught off guard and pushed Tanya off him, telling her he wasn’t interested.
Hugh Jackman stalks off and returns to his hotel room, where he catches Bill and Rosie robbing him. He makes a Big Commotion which draws Sam, Sophie, Donnie and a now very intoxicated Harry to the scene. They all start arguing- Hugh Jackman thinks the DNA situation ridiculous, Sam is angry with Bill for his actions, Bill and Rosie are mad at each other because Bill blames them getting caught on Rosie, Harry’s still upset with Hugh Jackman, Sophie’s stressed out that her dads are all acting like this when she might be loosing them in a few hours, and Donnie is desperately pleading with everyone to calm down but it’s falling on deaf ears. This ends with EVERYONE saying things they’ll later regret and stalking off.
Heartbroken, Donnie rushes off to his favorite spot on the island to calm down- the fountain from the first movie. As he cries, someone begins lovingly carding their fingers through his hair, and they lightly say ‘Aphrodite’s up to her old tricks again’. He looks up. It’s Meryl Motherfucking Streep, y'all. She smiles at him, assures him everything will work out somehow, probably sings a short song, and vanishes into the moonlight.
The next day. Everyone’s on edge. Cher and Andy Garcia arrive from where ever they had been- she and Sophie have indeed grown closer since the second movie, and at the height of her stress Sophie called her for advice. The two of them, Rosie, and Tanya all have like, A Moment where they probably sing about how men ruin everything or w/e.
We cut to Sam, Bill and Harry. They’re all still arguing from last night, and Harry’s massively hungover. Bill and Harry want Sam to stfu because he’s Sophie’s stepfather and literally lives with her, so even if he’s not her biological father he won’t stand to feel like he’s loosing her the same way the others will. As their fight hits it’s climax, Fernando™ appears, having over heard them, and decides to offer some advice. Since he didn’t find out about the existence of his daughter Donna until after she died (rip that from my COLD DEAD HANDS I dare you), he feels that the men are being. Ridiculous. Because even if only one of them made Sophie they still all get the chance to know her and see her live her life, and she wants all three of them. They are all quieted by the memory of Donna, and take his advice to heart. Harry leaves to take an introspective walk with his dogs.
We cut to Donnie and Sky walking around the fair together, because Sky literally never gets enough screen time so we might as well put him there. Sky is trying to convince Donnie that everything will be okay once he gets the DNA test. Hugh Jackman appears and hands Donnie the results, and the boy runs off.
Harry, on his walk, witnessed the scene and goes over to Hugh Jackman to talk to him. Hugh Jackman is seemingly annoyed with Harry, presumably because of the whole robbery plot from the night before. Harry is still upset about the kiss with Tanya, but neither say anything. Just exchange some very stiff comments about how they missed their plans last night and walk off without rescheduling for that night. As they walk away from each other bet your ass they’re doing a dramatic duet.
We get a scene between Sophie and Donnie- he’s holding the unopened results in his hands and is asking his mother what to do. She tells him that he’s growing up and can make the decision for himself. It’s a very sweet and touching scene. Donnie heads back in the direction of the fountain.
Night falls on the fair. Sophie and her 3 fathers all sing a song together at some point. Sky approaches Hugh Jackman to formally apologize for the insane family, because the teacher obviously hadn’t been expecting this when he put together a fun celebration for the islanders, but he also pleads for Hugh Jackman to understand what this is doing to everyone. Just to calm things over and insure no criminal charges are called on Bill and Rosie lol. Hugh Jackman softens a bit, but still doesn’t seem to quite get it. He heads off and then comes across Donnie, Harry, Sam and Bill all having like a super sweet moment together, and realizes Maybe This Isn’t That Weird Or Creepy. Bill sees the teacher and splits, and Sam Knows what’s going on with him and Harry so he makes some bs excuse, leaving Donnie alone with his teacher and Grandpa #3. They talk for a few moments, Harry mentions how much he loves his family. Hugh Jackman decides to tell Donnie he doesn’t have to do the presentation tomorrow, so he won’t have to see the results, but the second he mentions the project the boy runs off. Hugh Jackman asks Harry if he wants to grab a drink, but Harry, still not knowing the full story with Tanya that night before, snaps at him about it and leaves.
The Final Day is here. No one can find Donnie. Bill and Rosie make up. Sam, Sophie and Cher all have a moment looking at a picture of Donna. Tanya discovers that Harry saw the kiss and tells him what really happened, and that Hugh Jackman is actually into Harry. Before Harry can do anything with that information, though, the presentations begin, and as Hugh Jackman is the teacher he has to be on stage at all times.
We get a mini-montage of kids putting on disaster projects and it’s funny. Finally, the last presentation of the night. Donnie Sheridan is called to the stage.
He seems shy on the stage. He is clutching the envelope with the DNA test results in his hands. He starts talking about his family, his parents, his super star grandma and her friends, his great-grandparents, and his three grandpa’s. He tells the (abridged) story of how they all came together. He says he read the test results. He says they don’t matter, because family’s not always about blood, and he already knows who he is and what he has and it doesn’t have to do with where anyone came from. He starts singing ‘Thank You For The Music’ with no accompaniment. He gets more confident as he goes on, and right where the song ends music starts up and he slides into ‘I Have A Dream’. Sophie and a ghostly Donna join him. All of us, in the theater seats, are sobbing like bitches.
He gets applause. Cher, being herself, makes some comment about it not being upbeat enough for her tastes and then turns into a Full Group Number (probably another dancing queen reprise lmao). The whole family is joyus over how this worked out.
Harry finally catches Hugh Jackman and apologizes for acting so hostile. Hugh Jackman apologizes that he apparently wasn’t clear enough on just how much he’s into Harry. They sing a big song and kiss by the end.
Things wind down so it can be a happy ending- maybe a throwback to the end of the first one where everyone is hugging on the docks or something idk. The credit song, of course, is iconic.
We can work out an official song list/song placement later, but listen….I’ve decided this is happening someone get me Universal on the line
